Wednesday, 20 May 2015

How Not To Send Facebook Friend Requests


I decided to come up with a cheat sheet for the Facebook rookie. Consider this a Public Service Announcement from an Exasperated Facebook user. If you really want to ‘increase’ the number of friends you have on Facebook don’t do any of these things:

  1. Use a sideways profile picture: It’s worrisome that I even have to say in the first place. When you upload a picture of you tilted at angle 90, how do you feel? Does it look alright to you? It’s bad enough that you uploaded it. But the fact that you clicked the save button tells a lot about how you mind works. The one I will never understand is no profile picture at all. So what/who am I adding exactly?
  2. Use a badly photographed studio picture: You sit on a wooden chair wearing sunglasses with your palms on top of your knees, sandwiched between two flower pots with two rubber sunflower plants jutting out of it; to make matters worse (a); The picture background is a horrid shade of prison blue and (b) you used a digital frame with flowers poking the picture from all four corners. Why do you do this to yourself?
  3. Wear sunglasses: The one thing that can tell me a lot about you is the one thing you have denied me access to – your eyes. What are you hiding? Sorry o but no eyes, no acceptance.
  4. Pose in front , on top of or inside any equipment/machine: Be it a tall boy, powerbike, private jet, yacht car or house. If you pose in front, on top of or inside it, it’s most likely not yours. Which brings me to the conclusion that you’re suffering from lack of work.
  5. Use terms of endearment: You see, my Name is Naomi. Anyone who calls me anything other than that must know me from way back or something. Unless you and I share some history, use my name the way you saw it when you checked out my profile. If the first thing you type along with your request is ‘Hot mama’ ‘babygirl’ or unfortunately for you ‘bae’; you have ended the relationship before it even started.
  6. Become a bug: Don’t be the kind of guy that sends a request in the morning and sometime in the afternoon follows up with a message saying, “But Naomi why now? I sent you a friend request since morning, when are you going to accept it?
  7. Don’t pitch: Em, this is not Linkedin or an online startup incubator. Save your pitch for that elusive elevator somewhere. You send a request and then send this message along with it, “Hi Naomi. I stumbled on your Facebook page and after going through your profile, I believe this is the beginning of a symbiotic relationship. I can see we have similar passions and interests and I look forward to exploring future opportunities with you for the growth and advancement of our dear country. My number is… my email is… please let me have yours so we can take this further.” FYI, after having a good laugh I usually ask myself and the atmosphere around me, “Biko, what are we taking further?”
  8. Don’t overuse the like button: After adding me you decided to go ahead and like all the pictures I posted since the day I joined Facebook. Thank you but why? All I find myself thinking is, “This pesin nor get work?”
  9. Don’t Poke: Poking is a really friendly thing to do. So if you can imagine how awkward being poked by a stranger is, you can understand how I might feel when I get e-poked by you. I use the word ‘might’ ‘’cos I’m one of the few that don’t tickle. I can fill in my eyebrow while you poke my sides. So you see, it really isn’t funny any which way you look at it.
  10. Jump into conversations without understanding the context: This one is bad and a lot of JJCs on Facebook do it. I post something, 5 people are actively engaged in conversation about that post, then from nowhere, a stranded voice jumps right in saying, “I beg to disagree. It is unacceptable for you to say bla bla bla.’ After spoiling my face like someone running past a dump site, I think, “Chris I know, Nkiru I know…”
  11. It’s nothing personal: Even after abiding by my cheat sheet, you still may not get added. Don’t let it break your heart. People have the right to determine who they want to be friends with and you just may not be that person.
Happy friend requesting :D

©Naomi Lucas


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