Wednesday, 29 May 2013

When The Lady Has More, Part Two

If you missed the first part, you can read it here
I wish I could help you navigate this initial hurdle of figuring out why he wants to be with you, but I can’t. Instead I’ll ask you some questions, if you can answer them honestly, some things will become clear to you.

  • Is he always working on a project that requires money? 
  • Does he collect it, promise to pay back and never does?
  • Does he think you’re the one for him and wants to settle down asap, while you feel you don’t really know him and need more time?
  • Does he steal from you and deny or give excuses?
  • Does he 'spend' on you?
  • Do you go out and somehow end up picking the tab?
  • Is he intimidated by or resentful of your status?
  • Does he criticize your friends or their lifestyle? 
  • Do you always feel the need to explain, apologize or defend them?
  • Does he hit you or verbally abuse you and then goes out of his way to make it up to you? 
  • Do you feel like you have to choose between him and your family?
  • Does he brag about you to his friends even in your presence?
  • Does he seem overtly subservient to your parents?
  • Is he antagonistic to the authority figures in your life? (Mum, dad, close friends etc.) 

If he presents 3 or more of the following ‘symptoms’ my sister, you have cause to worry. If you are considering the possibility of this kind of relationship (for whatever twisted reason) or are already in one, the least you can do is be aware of the implications so you can make informed decisions. 

Below are a few more scenarios to help you clear your head. Thank me later :D

The education gap
He finished technical school and has a printing business; you finished from Imperial College. There’s something about the exposure and interaction with superior knowledge you’ve had that will make you feel like you guys aren’t on the same page. It’s not enough to say it doesn’t bother you. If it bothers him then you’re going to have issues later on because if he’s intimidated by your qualifications, he’s going to try to hold you back. Besides, he has his circle and you have yours; can you stand the pressure to conform to societal expectations?

Are you ready for the lifestyle adjustment?
It’s easy to get what you want when you have access to cash. However, what you consider chicken change he may consider reckless spending. Even if you have the money, you may need to tone down your spending or willingly deprive yourself of some things to massage his ego. You don’t want to rub your wealth in his face and emasculate him in the process now do you? The desire to provide is innate in a guy (I want to believe so...). It fuels his confidence and contributes to his feeling of ‘being a man’. Sometimes you need to give him the opportunity to be that, even if you can afford it. Do you think you can handle this?

Can you see him winning your dad over or earning the respect of those who matter to you? It’s important ‘cos like I said, it’s easy to call him a gold digger, the onus is on him to prove that assumption wrong without losing the respect of your loved ones, letting the assumption take its toll on your relationship or losing his self esteem.

Is he the kind of guy that you can teach? Is he the kind that will be humble enough to learn? When dating someone outside of your circle, someone of a lower class, there’s going to be need for ‘upgrading’ without necessarily robbing him of his identity or ego. If he’s used to buying 2nd hand shoes at Vespa in Ijanikin that may have to change. Can he handle it or is he going to feel insulted?

The family angle
Know that you’re also going to have to deal with his family sooner or later. How are his parents doing? Are they better or worse off than him? Is he the one taking care of his family? Are his siblings in school? Who is paying for their education? You don’t want to become the defacto run-to person when he needs cash to sort all these? Can you be in the relationship and not feel compelled to share the load he’s carrying? If you want to it’s absolutely fine, but if you feel compelled to, you’ll eventually begin to resent him and loathe his family and probably fake diarrhea when its time to pay them a visit.

The class distinction doesn’t have to be a big deal as long as you know what you’re doing and you both understand what you’re getting into. Whatever you do, never deceive yourself with the ‘we love each other’ claptrap. Love is not enough. If you don’t define the terms and set clear boundaries the distinction may become a source of strife, exploitation and heartbreak.

Ngwanu, take care :D

©Naomi Lucas


Anonymous said...

Thanks Naomi. Love you loads

Naomi Lucas said...

You're welcome Anon.