Thursday, 4 April 2013

A Single Lady's Advice To Single Ladies Part Two


If you missed the first part, you can read it here 
Without meaning to trivialize your spirituality, let’s get this straight, it’s not everything you should be praying about. Leave the witches in your village alone and take stock. What are the things within and without that constrain you from finding happiness? Let’s start from there ‘cos some of us pray and fast and bind and cast when the solution to our issues is staring us in the face.

After speaking with a couple of guys, it became apparent to me that as ladies, what we think the guys want and what they really want are miles apart. It’s going to have to be a continuous process of unlearning and relearning what we think we already know. In this note I’ve explored possible scenarios that can either hinder your ability to find the right person or chase the one you have found. I do hope you find my suggestions practical enough.
The Class Distinction
You were born gold plated. He has never seen gold and has lived in a fishing village all his life. While doing some charity work in his neighbourhood, you guys met and the sparks almost set the village on fire. Congratulations. Ok. Now what? It’s easy to feel like love can conquer anything until the reality of how our society works hits you in the face. Before taking that kind of relationship seriously, understand what you are getting yourself into or leave the guy’s heart where you found it.

It’s Ok To Earn More, Just Don’t Rub It In
You have a good job, your pay is mouth watering, you know everyone there is to know in your industry and hobnob with the brightest and the best. You live alone, have everything you need to be comfortable and really are doing very well all by yourself. Then along came Johnny, who loves you sincerely but feels irrelevant ‘cos he feels you don’t need him around. A friend was telling me the story of a couple that just got married and are already heading to the courts. Problem: The guy married this chic, She moved in and decided to redecorate the house. She imported chairs from Italy, kitchen accessories from the UK, changed the poor guy’s ceiling to PoP; he came back from work and his wardrobe was unrecognizable. His wife had taken the liberty to give out most of his clothes and replaced them with designer wears. And there was a new SUV parked in the driveway. And she didn’t understand why he was mad…

Be Real From Day One
You may never have a second chance to make a first impression so be sure the first one is the real one. Don’t be who you’re not to get or keep a guy’s attention; it’s just not worth it. If you’re more comfortable eating chicken with your hands, why are you struggling with the fork and knife? Do you speak through your nose on a normal day? If no, then why all the phonetics when the farthest you’ve been is Badagry? Let your hair down and let him see you as you are. It’s either he likes you or he doesn’t. But if you insist on putting yourself on a pedestal, be sure you have enough stamina to remain there.

It’s Not His Fault
Transferred aggression is one of the most baffling character traits I’ve seen. Your dad treated your mum really badly, so you grow up with a resolve never to be taken for granted by a guy. Or some guy broke your heart. It hurt really bad. I get. Now how is that your present boyfriend’s fault? You pick fights at the slightest provocation, and criticize him when he tries to show affection. The gift isn’t right. The date sucked. He wore the wrong tie. He called at the wrong time. He said I’m sorry too late. He doesn’t love you enough. Stop teaching him a lesson for a class he may have passed long ago. Deal with your issues and leave him out of it. In the same vein, get rid of all preconceived notions. All men are not dogs, women bitches and mother-in-laws witches; try not to judge before you get to know people.

Be Easygoing
Some couples fight so much I’m baffled as to how they manage to have children. When do they find time in between all the fights to make babies? As a lady, you need to understand that if a relationship is going to succeed, a lot is going to depend on you; we are wired to pay attention to those things a guy may take for granted. So do what should come naturally to you. Be graceful, be nice to his friends, handle your fights with some maturity, you’re not a market woman at Oke-arin; forgive and stop regurgitating old stuff. Make it easy for him to keep his side of the bargain. Make it easy for him to want to be with you.

Tell Him What You Want
It’s as simple as that. He’s not in your head so there’s no way he’s going to know. If you want to watch ‘The Avengers’ at Palms, tell him you want to watch ‘The Avengers’ at Palms, or he may go and buy a 20-in-1 dvd and wonder why you aren’t happy. Don’t expect him to figure it out or nag that he never takes you out with the hope that he might get the message. His idea of ‘take you out’ may be a trip to the zoo. I’ve found that guys need help in this area. They usually find it difficult to tell when you mean something or when you’re joking, if there’s a subtext or if your statement should be read literally. All those hints you keep dropping all over the place, why are you stressing yourself like that?

Tell Him Before He Finds Out
Popsie killed momsie and is serving time in Kirikiri? You were borne out of wedlock and all your four siblings have different fathers? You have a daughter in kindergarten that lives with your grandma? Tell him before he finds out. Trust once broken is very difficult to regain. You don’t want him finding out damaging information at a viewing center do you? It’s better to tell him than say nothing because you don’t want to lose him. He may eventually find out and leave anyway…

Keep It Between You Two
You don’t need a townhall meeting to deal with your relationship issues. Seek help only when absolutely necessary. No one needs all the sordid details. We all have our lives to live and are confused enough without you complicating it with all the complaints. If he hits you then that’s a major issue, but he didn’t call? Ok…why not call him and sort it instead of calling me at 2am to whine? Ouch. Sorry…

I better stop talking.
For now :D

©Naomi Lucas

4 comments:

Moji Owoeye said...

Lols Naomi this is so apt!

Please keep them coming :)

Naomi Lucas said...

:) Thanks Moji.

MiSDEE said...

1st time visit...t'waz worth it!!! KUDOS!!

Naomi Lucas said...

Thanks MiSDEE.