This Whole Shagging Thing

My friend and I went to see a movie at The Palms a few weeks back. We watched ‘The Last Air Bender’ or something like that. My friend found the movie so boring, she asked me to wake her up when it was over, and for good measure, put her big head on my shoulder and promptly went to sleep. I felt the movie was tacky too, but I stayed awake, reminding myself that the ticket cost N1500, the cost of six 20-in-1 DVDs at Ojuelegba under bridge :)

After the torture, we headed for the car park, swearing to always watch previews before going to see any movie. Parked directly opposite our car was this really huge SUV. It made what we drove look like a key holder, lol. That’s beside the point anyway. Point is, in the car with his back turned to us, was a guy and a chic, em, shagging right under the harsh glare of security lights and making really weird noises. I looked at my friend, she looked at me and we both looked at the machine in front of us. ‘Babe, is this what I think it is?’ I asked truly stunned. ‘Yup’, she replied without missing a beat. I stood there for like a full minute before realising I was staring. As we drove off, the most amazing thing happened-the chic got up and waved at us. My friend waved back, laughing hysterically. I was too stunned to speak. I kept muttering, ‘She waved at us, she actually waved at us. Can you imagine?’

As if that wasn’t enough, the very next day, I went for some exhibition on the Island with another friend. The clothes were frigging expensive so we just looked around and praised the designer and ate his small chops and drank Chapman and collected his card and left knowing we were never going to call. To end a lovely evening, my friend and I, with some friends of hers, decided to do chicken @ KFC. We got there, placed our order and sat. There was just one guy among like, 6 of us.

Now there’s something you must know about me and KFC. I go there to do Ice cream. There’s this cone Ice cream they sell called soft twirl; it tastes like paradise and wait for this-it’s a hundred bucks. Since my friend shared the good news with me, I look for every reason to take that route so I can get some. I mean its N100, how cool is that? Oya, go ahead and say it, I like awoof abi? Who doesn’t, lol

While the girls chattered about everything worth chattering about, I kept quiet and ate my Ice cream and then out of the blues one of the girls said, ‘ Bosun*, when was the last time you had sex?’ I paused, mid-swallow, to listen; I mean these were very young girls, single and fly and uninhibited.

Bosun laughed and went on to diss the whole ‘guy-girl relationship’ thingy; she felt it was over-rated. As far as she was concerned, if you feel like shagging just tell the guy you fancy, shag and move on. All the ‘You remind me of summer’s breeze' and the ‘ Just called to check on you, hope you got home safe’ is just plain annoying, and she was very passionate about what she was saying. The lone guy looked lost in our midst and once again, yours truly was shocked. I stood up and went for another serving of ice cream.

When I got back the conversation had shifted to Aristos and how to stay protected on the job. At that point I begged to be allowed to go home.

On my way back I couldn’t help but wonder. Have we (I’m talking to the ladies now) gotten to the point where we can walk up to a guy and tell him ‘I want to shag’, do the deed while reading OK Magazine, and move on like nothing happened? Do we now have sex on the go, like ATM banking? Are women wired to be that detached? Is this what sex has come to? Like dogs and Sheep, we stand by the roadside and shag? We are called mammals and our siblings in the bush animals for a reason-The ability to exercise restraint and use our number six. Ok make that two reasons lol.

I hear that for guys, sex is a physical activity like playing football or washing plates, for ladies it is not. So when ladies begin to talk about one night stands and sex for the sake of sex, I get very scared. Even within the context of relationships, we use love and sex interchangeably. Very few of us bother to note the difference.

A friend of mine was in a dilemma of some sort. Hot, well-to-do young man I must say. He wanted to settle down and had two ladies in mind. He was having a hard time deciding and he called me. I asked him a very simple question, ‘who do you love more?’ He said both of them.  I asked him to describe what he loved about both of them. He did. For the first lady, he described her assets-boobs, backside, dentition, hips, you name it. For the second, he did talk about her physical attributes some, but said stuff like ‘She’s very forgiving, I feel at home with her, bla the bla. And I asked him to project like 40 years into the future, ‘When lady 1 loses a breast and has to wear partial dentures (God forbid) what will become of both of you? Silence ... My point exactly!  For the 1st lady his love was clearly a physical thing for the other it was more than that. Funny enough, he was seeing both of them, sleeping with the first and not with the second.

We have gotten to the point where we handle relationships like banking transactions. You’re not happy, you change banks. If the transaction doesn’t favour you, you walk out. It’s no wonder chics are catching their husbands with maids, other guys, best friends, and walking out of the marriage before the wedding cake is finished. When the foundation is faulty, it’s only a matter of time before the building crumbles. Before things degenerate any further, let’s retrieve the values yeah?

Everybody’s doing it; it’s not a big deal. Who hasn't ever had some form of sex in a car? Everybody does it. Virgin Mary, you don’t want to shag before marriage? Newsflash:  your type has been extinct since the 16th century. Really! Well guess what, I was with everybody a few days back and he’s very livid at being accused so wrongly. He said it’s a big deal because EVERYBODY is not doing it and he thinks it’s unfair to use him as a justification to do anything; it’s your life not his.

I’m not talking about abstinence or safe sex; I’ll leave that to NACA. I’m talking about self respect and a healthy perception of who you really are. I’ve always been a person driven by conviction; so the ‘Everybody is doing it‘ syndrome never really swayed me. What I’m trying to say is this-You should have a set of values that govern how you live. Especially because sometimes there’s no one around to tell you-this is the way, walk in it. It is what will keep you grounded when no one is looking and when everything around you suggests it is alright to do it. It’s just being true to you and knowing what you can and cannot do, irrespective of what Everybody says.

For a lady to be alright with sex for its sake tells me her sense of self worth is very warped. Babe, you are not Mary Kay or MAC eye shadow that comes with testers. You are WOMAN: Delicate, intelligent, hardworking.  Behind the DD cup and Beyonce sized bom-bom is a charming, humorous and loving personality. You are the main product not a sample. It’s either the customer is buying the package or he’s not. You are meant to be loved, protected and provided for, not looking for affection wherever and however you can get it, even if it’s just a 10 minute quickie.

Get to know him before giving yourself away, you owe you that much. Sometimes behind a charming facade can be a horribly unforgiving person. If you don’t wanna shag, don’t. If you want to, let it be because you want to, so when the cookie starts to crumble, you don’t point fingers at poor Everybody.

And if you really want to remain celibate but can’t help the raging hormones, for God’s sake get a chastity belt :). Besides, 'Everybody’s doing it' has become a pretty lame excuse don’t you think?

*Bosun's not her real name.

©Naomi Lucas