Saturday, 21 May 2011

A Single Lady's Advice To Married Men

They say women need a reason to cheat, guys don't. How far this is true, I really cannot say. If you ask me, I'll say it depends on why either party went into a relationship in the first place.

Everyone is searching for Eldorado, looking for that person that will bring ultimate fulfilment. Sadly, even after the wedding, the search for some doesn't end. The question I ask myself is this: Is Eldorado a destination or a journey? Selah!

At the risk of sounding feminist, I think the guys have a loooooong way to go. So boyfriend, if you are still trying to wrap your head around why your wife is acting funny, maybe this might help?

1. The boring soup theory
What’s this I hear about guys getting bored with one kind of soup? You should have known you would end up with Ewedu when you went to Ado-Ekiti to ask for her hand in marriage. Now, 8 years and 4 kids down the line, you swear you favourite soup is Egusi? Com’on!

2. Submit! Submit!! Submit!!!
Okay, but submit to what now? Submission literally means ‘under a mission’. What is your mission? If you want her to submit, provide some leadership; be consistent. Today you are a writer; tomorrow you swear you were born to be a rock star, a week later you are writing ICAN exams, one month later you think fish farming is the way forward. You are confusing your co-pilot. It’s easy to submit when you know the person leading the way is competent and knows exactly where he’s going.

b. Submit! Submit!! Submit!!!
You are the man of the house, we know! But guy, put your money where your mouth is. How many things in her wardrobe can you remember buying, or giving her money to buy? If all you remember is the veritable wax you put in the box you presented during your traditional marriage then ! She stocks the fridge, pays the fees, settles the light bill and the water bill, and you’ve never come home to an empty plate; yet you go about the house screaming ‘I’m the head of the house!’ ‘I’m the head of the house!’ (Switch to pidgin) who dey follow you drag title?

3. Be a gentleman; be nice
It’s not every time you have to ‘Be a MAN’. Say I’m sorry when you know you have upset her; don’t talk down on her in front of your friends or family, listen to her when speaks to you. You know, the whole iron man persona is a complete turn off. Bayern Munich lost to Inter Milan? It’s okay to cry, it’s actually cute. And that way we know you really do run on blood and not battery water.

4. Cut her some slack
Well, her boobs are losing collagen and her thighs have grown all bumpy. She’s not as attractive as she used to be yeah? But guess what, she’s had FOUR kids and she’s still alive. Shouldn't that count for something? Besides, It’s not like you’re an oil painting yourself!

5. If love is a game, play by the rules
You shout at her, you want her to say she’s sorry. Every female friend she introduces to you, you tag a bad influence. She can’t as much as go out of the gate without your say so. She wants to make her hair, you insist she is chauffeured, and instruct the driver to tell you how many phone calls she makes on the way to the salon. She’s dead if she looks at another guy, it doesn’t matter if he’s the truck pusher, yet you call your girlfriends while she’s lying on the bed beside you-You are not playing fair!

6. Find your Match
I still don’t understand how some guys will never touch their kids but will beat their wives black and blue at the slightest provocation, and sometimes in the presence of those kids. Learn to convey your emotions with your mouth, not your hands. You bounce the poor woman around, forgetting it’s not the WWF? Go get help. If you don’t want to, then get someone as big and strong as you are and stop using her for wrestling practice.

7. Get Your hands Dirty
It won’t take so much to replace the dead bulb in the store or, fix the leaking tap, or take the trash out. It’s not every time the plumber or electrician has to be called. You sit and cross your legs while your wife tries to fix the boiling ring? Haba!

8. Put first things first
I know you’re really working hard at becoming the GM of your company and stuff, but you have a responsibility to your family. Monday to Friday you come home by 11pm, watch CNN for an hour, and go to bed when she’s already fast asleep. You wake up by 5am and off to work you go. On weekends you sleep all day and hang out with the boys in the evening. Your wife attends all the PTA meetings, school plays and inter-house sports. When she complains, you say you're working hard to make the future better. Hmm... When you eventually become the GM, you may not have a family to go home to. Who knows, by then your daughter may be dating a senator and your son a highly sought after gigolo. Then you’ll try to use the money you’ve made, to fix problems you could have avoided. As a friend of mine once said, ‘Enough is a word for the wise’.

9. It’s a never ending date
Just because you’re married doesn’t mean the fun has to stop. When was the last time you both did something crazy, like using the female toilet at E-centre, together, or taking a weekend off and flying to Monrovia, and yes, just a few days before your fiscal review? Take her shopping, turn off the electricity and have a candlelit dinner. If there's no one to watch the kids and you think they'll be a nuisance, give them 10ml of Benylin each, they’ll be fast asleep within 5 minutes. (Did I just say that?) lol.

10. Let her Rest
Blessed is the woman, who wakes up to the smell of french toast and coffee made by her husband just for her. She is indeed lucky if he helps her with the dishes, loads the washing machine, and sings the baby to sleep when she’s too tired. If he helps the kids with their home work and vacuums the carpet without being asked, ladies watch out, you just might be married to an angel.

11. Be man enough to let her fly
You don’t want her to work-it’s a dog eats dog world out there. She can’t do business-it involves travelling, and men will want to sleep with her. What’s wrong with her trying to do more than just make babies, cook and clean the house? Deal with your insecurities and ego, and be man enough to let your woman be the best she can.

12. We do Brand New
Don’t get it twisted, we single ladies do not do tokunbo. There’s no way three children calling you daddy can be an attraction. The few who deliberately date married men, who, if I might add are in the minority, have their brains on their thighs and their toes on their forehead.

Mind you, this note also represents the hopes and expectations of most single ladies, myself not excluded. We are a Mills & Boons generation, remember?

If we wish for a knight in shining armour and happily ever after, it may be a tad unrealistic, but hey, a young lady’s allowed to dream right?

©Naomi Lucas 


WWJD said...

Naomi......I'm a fan!!!!!